Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Big changes.

We are moving. Next week I am going on vacation without my husband. All sorts of big things to go about when I don't have the same kind of support I am used to.

To make the move easier on my boys, we have been staying at my mom's house. The best part has been spending time with my boys. One on one. Well, one on two. Living with family, there are a lot of people to care for each other, but sometimes it makes it too easy to just let other people help.  And, if I need a break: there it is. But, not right now, everyone is busy with the move. I feel left out, overwhelmed, and stressed. And you know how I know that? Because my son shows me, by his behavior.

Scott Noelle writes: "Children sense their parents' "vibes" and reflect back a similar vibration, often exaggerated in their behavior." And it is SO VERY TRUE.

For the most part, we are very fortunate with L1. He took to sign language early, and used it to communicate his needs so there was very little confusion. Which then created a relationship with very few power struggles. That has changed in the last few weeks. He has started hitting, running off, and throwing tantrums. Now, while I know these things are developmentally appropriate, they just didn't resonate with me as being who L1 was. Then I realized why he was acting this way.

Because I want to behave that way! I just want to MAKE people be the way I want them to be. I want to ESCAPE the difficulties. I feel like kicking and screaming and just getting my way. And while I try not to act out these big feelings, I still feel them, and they show in a big way when I get too tired.

So, I changed things. We started tandem nursing again, when things get tough. I might post more about that later (UPDATE: HERE), but for now I'll just say that it is what we needed to reconnect and feel for each other again. I try to consider my own feelings before reacting. I talk things out, I reach out to some amazing friends to help refocus my goals. We will survive this, I know that. Sometimes I just need reminding as to what kind of person, mother and children, wife and husband, I want to be afterwards.

Just me.

Don't know if anyone out there in the blog-o-sphere will ever find me, but here I am. A real mom, with real kids, with real goals and right now: real frustrations.

I needed a place to be real and honest. With myself. To let how I really feel about being a mom just be.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 5 years. He is sweet, supportive and slow to anger. Really, the opposite of me. We never thought we would make it this far in life together, but growing up as a couple has its advantages. We knew what we wanted in a family before deciding to become one.

I am a mother of 2 boys. L1 is almost 3 years old, a voracious fan of Mickey Mouse and all things Pixar. He loves to play outside, inside, upstairs or down. He loves his friends and family and talks about them constantly. L2 is amost 1 (where did the time go?!) and is very vocal, full of spunk, and knows how to get the attention he needs. He also has a plethora of food allergies that seem to have had a big hand in his sensitivities as well as the resulting rash. We seem to have that under control now by cutting out dairy, soy, and gluten.

This blog is not full of handy advice. It is not my way of gaining sympathy, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. This is my way of getting out what I think and feel. Maybe someone else out there is feeling the same, we can take refuge in the fact that we are not alone in this struggle. If not, them at least I can make it through another day feeling better about not keeping it all inside but not taking it out on my kids or husband.

We are trying our best to be gentle, attached parents, and this will be the tale of my journey.