Want a Hug?

It is hard to change the world. When everything you know about parenting and discipline is disconnecting and punitive, it seems especially difficult to want to do things differently. How do you deal with "bad" behavior, without punishing your child? How do you teach what you ave never learned? I have three ideas that were shared with me that I do my best to remember when interacting with my children.


Does It REALLY Matter? To Who?
Before reacting to a behavior, first ask yourself if it matters. Jumping on the furniture? Touching every cereal box in the aisle? Throwing all the bedding on the floor? Hitting other children? I find that often, actions not having a direct effect on other people are often disallowed just because we are used to saying "no" to that action. Often we fear what other people are thinking about our children's behavior or how they are judging our parenting and react out of fear of judgment. So asking myself what really matters to me and my child is important in picking my battles, and deciding what kind of reaction would be best.

They Are HAVING a Problem, Not BEING a Problem
When things are getting out of hand, and children are acting out it might be good to remember that our children are NOT out to get us. They don't behave in that way just to test us or to be at odds with us. Children want to be connected to us, but might not always know how to communicate it or gain that connection.


Children Are People Too
Say your child just threw their dinner plate on the floor, how would you react? Now, imagine it was your partner or best friend: how is the reaction different? This is the pinnacle of my reason for wanting to be a gentle parent. Children are people, and they deserve the same respect we do. These are not tactics we tolerate in the adult world, it makes little sense to use them on our children.

All that said: I have been at this parenting gig for almost 5 years. I am not awesome at this stuff. I even had a moment WHILE WRITING THIS that I imagined drop kicking my kiddo upon discovering the poopy finger paint done in the quiet moment I stole to add a bit to this post. Before finding people with similar ideals when my son was almost 6 months, I never knew people who wanted to use gentle discipline. I have to work each and every time something comes up to react in a way I can be proud of. I don't often succeed. The point is that I keep trying. And when all the techniques fail and I have no more tricks to try I know that just getting down on their level and asking for a hug will do us both a world of good.

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Please join us all week, June 25-June30, 2012, as we explore the world of gentle, effective parenting. We have new posts each day by talented authors providing us with insight into why gentle parenting is worth your time and how to implement it on a daily basis. Check out all the carnival posts over on ParentingGently.com We are also giving away several parenting book and other goodies from our sponsors this week. Please stop by and enter to win! This year's beautiful motherhood artwork is by Patchwork Family Art. Visit the store to see all her work.

Monday, June 25

Are you considering Gentle Discipline and don't know where to start?  Not surprising giving how the media talks about helicopter and permissive parenting.  If you like the idea of gentle parenting but don't know where to start then today's posts are for you!

	Want a Hug? by Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy
	10 Principles of Unconditional Parenting by Amy from Presence Parenting writing for Natural Parents Network
	Spare the Rod? Does the Bible Promote Spanking? by Paige at Parenting Gently
	Biblical Instructions for Discipline: How Should a Christian Parent? by Dulce de leche
	Looking for a Better Way by Practical OH Mommy Tuesday, June 26 Maybe you've read posts like yesterdays and you are intellectually convinced that this gentle parenting thing sounds great.  Now what?  Today's posts expand on the philosophy of gentle parenting as our authors break it down. When Empathy Doesn't "Work" by Dr. Laura Markham   Kids Are People Too - and how remembering that can make life so much easier by Momma on a Mission   So You're Thinking of Trying a Different Way? by Practical OH Mommy   Life Isn't One Size Fits All by Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children   To Me, Gentle Parenting Means... by A Teachable Mom Wednesday, June 27  Now that you have a great basis for the principles of gentle parenting let's look at one of the trickier parts of implementation.  Punishment.  Consequences.  Regardless of how mainstream parents talk about it this is the "big scary" thing that many parents worry will make their parenting permissive.  Today's authors talk about this important issue. We Don't Do Discipline by Tat at Mum in Search   The Fine Art of Natural Consequences and Logical Consequences by Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama   Save Time Outs for the Soccer Field by Practical OH MOmmy   Gentle Discipline Basics: Teaching Skills by The HIppie Housewife

Thursday, June 28

Today's authors look at some specific situations that many parents face and give us a gentle approach to resolution.

	Parenting Gently Through the Preschool Phase by Attached Moms
	The Hardest Part of Gentle Discipline Is... by Practical OH Mommy
	Toddler Discipline and Balancing Needs by The Natural Parenting Mentors at Natural Parents Network
	With Spit on My Face and Love in My Heart by MomeeeZen
	Understanding and Responding to Preschooler Spitting

How to Wean Your Child (from TV)

My husband and I LOVE movies and TV. We love to read books and see how Hollywood butchers them. We watch TV and talk about them. We like to think we aren't just couch potatoes zoned out to the flashy box: we watch things that entertain us as a social topic. Before kids we could be found at the movie theater once a week. We knew what to expect for DVD release day Tuesday mornings. We didn't have cable (still don't) but that was so the budget could be spent on a decently extensive DVD collection. We had an almost complete collection of animated Disney before our children were even a twinkle. We also had game systems and enjoyed playing on them. When we were ready to have kids we were stoked to share with them the awesome-ness of media.

We still worked to limit their exposure. They have no idea who most popular tv characters are: Dora, Spongebob, Thomas, ect. We watched with them, not usually using the screen as a babysitter. Even still, they slowly became accustomed to more and more. When I was pregnant, sick, and tired we watched even more than I was happy with. It had become harder and harder to limit them without tantrums. It was time for a change. These are the things that help us cut our screen time.

Literary Movies
Movies based on books. Bonus if they are reading of the books set to animation. This can move your focus to more literary options. Barns & Noble has some of our favorite books read by popular actors and authors available as Online Storytime

Soundtracks
Often TV is used as just background noise. So, use just the sound! By keeping familiar tunes on, it allows us to sing and play along, without sitting and watching. You can even create a station on Pandora.

Books
Find the literary versions of your favorite characters. Offer to read about them in place of watching. Audio accompanied books are also great.

Activities
I have found a few places for coloring pages and learning packets based on the movies they love.

Star Wars Learning Packet
Disney Coloring Pages

Get Away From The TV
Find activities to get you out of sight of the TV. Explore your library for your at home supplies. Go to the park. Create a grocery list of JUST your kids' favorites and explore the store at their pace.

April 30th- May 6th is Screen Free Week. Do you think you can do it? To be honest: I don't expect to. Especially after bedtime. But, I  am going to bump up the use of these suggestions (and please, share yours!) in the coming weeks and see if we can meet this challenge.

Role Models, and Owning Your Challenges

Me, one of my first nights home, with my Dad.

Only recently have I thought about where I was introduced to natural parenting ideas. I liked to think I "just decided" it was the best way for my family, but I know there must have been some kind of influence to even explore ideas that are not the mainstream, and certainly weren't expected from me.  I realized that while I didn't have anyone to directly role-model an attached parenting lifestyle, there were several small exposures that helped shape my views.

A rarely seen cousin at a reunion nursing her walking toddler.

A neighbor I baby sat for practicing co-sleeping and full-term breastfeeding.

An aunt who nursed her allergy prone, sensitive child. And making the food sacrifices herself to meet those needs.


None of these parents talked about being any kind of "attached parent". I never set out to be an "attached parent". Between my own experiences with my parents, 3 siblings, baby-sitting, and working as a nanny, I had seen what children responded best to and what didn't work out in the long term. I wanted to have a relationship with my children that was based on respect, communication, and love. I knew that breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and possibly co-sleeping were on the list. What I didn't know was how hard it was going to be to follow through with my "grand ideas".


Because I didn't have the kind of community that supported our family ideals, I remember feeling so alone those first few months. The few friends we had who did have kids didn't parent this way. We weren't raised this way. We even hurt some feelings when we told people this was how we were doing it, so no thanks for the offers to "help" that weren't conducive to our choices. I was drowning, and needed some knowledgeable support.


It wasn't until L1 was almost 5 months old that I attended my first Le Leche League meeting.  When I had considered it before, I thought it was for breastfeeding problems. Besides, the meetings were held in an unfamiliar church, adding to my apprehension.


I finally went, and have since developed my "tribe," sort of. Sometimes I still feel lost. I know I have friends that care and understand, but so often fear they might be too busy dealing with the same problems and don't have the time or energy to take on mine. I don't blame them, I also fear I can't call on them because they will need me when I am needing help! Then I feel guilty (Momma Guilt: Its a horrible thing!) that I can't be there!


But, reaching out is really important. Being honest about who we are, where we are in our parenting paths, understanding that our ideals are important, and even if we slip, getting back to it and working to find what works for each family is what is really the crucial thing. When we hide our shameful, disappointing, not perfect moments, we perpetuate the idea that we should all be living perfect lives and further ourselves from really making our world a better place.


Being role models for a more peaceful, respectful relation ship with our children is powerful. Doing the same with the adults in our lives is too. We all need a tribe, we all need acceptance. Who inspires you? Have you ever talked to them about the challenges they faced making those decisions? 

Going Screen Free (Uh, Screen Minimal?)

I was tired of waiting for spring. It was ALWAYS raining. No longer could I handle the idea of "Rainy Day=Movie Day!" with the same relish I had always had when I was woken up by shrieks for the same freakin' movie every.damn.morning. And the tantrums if I suggested something different. Then, they started refusing to go anywhere: they wanted a movie.

Here's where I clarify: We don't have cable (actually, hubby and I have been living together for almost 9 years and have only had cable for about 4 months of that.) Just recently have I turned on PBS for a change of pace with the frequent movies. We LOVE movies. I relish reading books and watching what the movie makes it to be. We have always enjoyed movies together, rarely as a babysitter. And don't get me wrong, we love being out and about. But at home time was movie time.

So, last Sunday, with rainy skies and runny noses, I kept the TV off. 

There was crying. There was screaming. It lasted an hour. Then it was over. We read books, played with playdough, cut, glued, sticker-ed, painted, colored, cooked with play food, cooked with real food, played ball, jumped on the furniture, and dressed up bears. It took 1 hour. I thought I might just die. 2 hours down, now what?

Ok, so these pictures aren't all from the same hour. But, you get the idea.

Well, fine then, I said. And I picked up my own book. I read. I drank coffee. (Did I mention I did NOT get on the computer? That hardly seemed fair, for me to have a screen and not them. I kept up with that too, waiting until night, and usually less time online at that!) My boys were bored. Good. Find something to do. They say boredom is good for kids. Want to guess what a 20mo thinks is a good activity when bored? Breastfeeding. All the time. But that is a different story.

We survived though. 9 days of no screen time during the day, and evenings only for a family movie night.

So, what have we done to fill our time?

Library

We have a GREAT library system. So many books, and so much more. We checked out three times our normal amount of children's books. I checked out books for myself. Audio Books, music cds, and these great "Learning Kits." We have already had wooden blocks and rhythm instruments. We are waiting on the parachute, dinosaurs, and more. Really get to know what your library has to offer. They have events too, but so far they haven't been right for us.

Crafts

Coffee filters are our friends. During the winter we used them to create great looking snowflakes. We expanded on the idea. We cut the filters to flower and butterfly shapes, colored them with markers, and sprayed them with water. Amazingly beautiful, added some pipe cleaners, strung them on some thread, and we have a spring garden above our heads.

Chores

Seriously, did you know kids LIKE to do laundry? At least little kids. They also like to sweep, scrub, and toss things in a bucket. Sure, it takes twice as long, but really, what else do you have to do? Wouldn't it be better to let them do it now when they like it, and not continue seeing you begrudgingly doing each action as a chore? I usually avoid doing them, now I can do them with help! We really spent about an hour scrubbing every inch of their little table (yeah, it needed it) with all 3 of us with rags and a spray bottle of vinegar.

Change the Scenery

We played on the porch. We played at Grandma's house. We took baths in the middle of the day. We rode the bus all the way to Seattle for free ice cream (and were lucky it stayed nice outside!)

His first ice cream cone! Though, I had to take it away before he ate the cone.

Go Outside

Sure, it was cloudy and icky. But, we live in Washington. When the rain stops, run outside!

So, the tantrums have dissolved to infrequent requests. It almost always works to suggest we read instead, and they have been requesting books more frequently than ever.  I have a few more crafts up my sleeves, some sticker books, visits with friends, and we are starting to meet with our TJEd learning group. The weather seems to be FINALLY deciding winter is coming to a close (yes, I know spring is here on the calendar, but there was SNOW last week.) and we are so excited to start getting outside more!

How often does your family watch TV? How do you fill your days in "meaningful" ways? How do you survive winter, sickness, and boredom?

Nursing, Un-Weaning, and (a kind of) Vacation.

I love breastfeeding. I'll be honest, most of the time it gives me a feeling of accomplishment, natural connection, even a little bit of superiority (nothing against mom's who can't, I am blessed to be able to provide the best for my babies) and a truckload of gratefulness that I have a way to calm almost any situation. My experience breastfeeding has been mostly easy, just a few bumps on the way. I nursed as soon as possible after my c-section for L1 (though not before they made my husband give him a bottle of formula, and tried to tell us to give him the bottle first every time, and then the breast. So glad I knew better!) and my HBAC (home birth after cesarean) made for easy breastfeeding initiation with L2. I worked the first 5 months after L1 was born, and pumped while being gone 10 hours a day. Not once did we need to supplement with formula.

L1 was still nursing when I got pregnant with  L2, and showed no signs of slowing. He nursed frequently through the pregnancy and I was glad for a way to slow him down so I could rest. After L2 was born, L1 nursed even more, waking more times at night than the newborn. We kept this up for about 3 months before deciding something needed to change. We cut down to once during the night and nap time. When even that was too much for me, we encouraged him to cut those out. The transition was fairly smooth, though I felt horrible that I couldn't handle nursing both until they were ready to stop on their own.

Fast forward 7 months. L1 hadn't nursed since December (it was now July) and L2 was still nursing just as much as ever during the day but had cut down at night since starting baby led solids at 9 months. But, we were in the mode of going broke, moving, and planning a vacation that was gifted to us to see family in southern California. We were stressed, and the boys were starting to show it.  So one night, in the midst of a screaming tantrum that had reached over an hour with no relief from any of our usual methods I leaned in close and just whispered "Would you like to nurse?" L1 suddenly took a deep breath: "Nurnies? (hic) Ok." and came to rock with me and tried to nurse. He didn't remember how, but it allowed him to calm down and reconnect with me. When we finish, he gave me a big hug, patted my cheek and whispered "I love you mommy. And nurnies." I had a new ace in my pocket.

At the end of July we stayed with my mom while we moved. While it made things easier to not have L1 and L2 underfoot, it meant that Daddy was at work all day, then moving a load or two in the evening. That left very little daddy time, and no time for my husband and me. That was hard on all of us. I started nursing L1 even more to quell the emotional breakdowns. And more. When the moving was done, the boys and I flew to California. Without Daddy. Then it started. L2 wants to nurse All. The. Time. I can't handle it. We are surrounded by helpful, caring family, but still he screams for nurnies. Especially at night, when it is even harder to nurse because his relearned latch is lost in his exhaustion and IT HURTS. We are only 2 nights into the 5 without daddy, and I am almost ready to hitchhike home. Instead, I am going to dig deep, lean heavily on the expansive family ready and willing to help (for now!) and take everyone to the Natural History Museum and hope the dinosaurs will entertain L1 enough to keep his mind off missing daddy.

Big changes.

We are moving. Next week I am going on vacation without my husband. All sorts of big things to go about when I don't have the same kind of support I am used to.

To make the move easier on my boys, we have been staying at my mom's house. The best part has been spending time with my boys. One on one. Well, one on two. Living with family, there are a lot of people to care for each other, but sometimes it makes it too easy to just let other people help.  And, if I need a break: there it is. But, not right now, everyone is busy with the move. I feel left out, overwhelmed, and stressed. And you know how I know that? Because my son shows me, by his behavior.

Scott Noelle writes: "Children sense their parents' "vibes" and reflect back a similar vibration, often exaggerated in their behavior." And it is SO VERY TRUE.

For the most part, we are very fortunate with L1. He took to sign language early, and used it to communicate his needs so there was very little confusion. Which then created a relationship with very few power struggles. That has changed in the last few weeks. He has started hitting, running off, and throwing tantrums. Now, while I know these things are developmentally appropriate, they just didn't resonate with me as being who L1 was. Then I realized why he was acting this way.

Because I want to behave that way! I just want to MAKE people be the way I want them to be. I want to ESCAPE the difficulties. I feel like kicking and screaming and just getting my way. And while I try not to act out these big feelings, I still feel them, and they show in a big way when I get too tired.

So, I changed things. We started tandem nursing again, when things get tough. I might post more about that later (UPDATE: HERE), but for now I'll just say that it is what we needed to reconnect and feel for each other again. I try to consider my own feelings before reacting. I talk things out, I reach out to some amazing friends to help refocus my goals. We will survive this, I know that. Sometimes I just need reminding as to what kind of person, mother and children, wife and husband, I want to be afterwards.