Tell All Tuesday, February 21st, 2012: My Spot

So, it isn't perfect. It gets drafty in the winter, but that works out now that we have downstairs neighbors! It has a chaise style cushion to lounge on. When I am organised, what I need is within reach. Except my other children when they start fighting, of course. It is My Spot.

A caddy of handy supplies. An ever rotating stack of books to lure my other children to some quiet time while I breastfeed baby. I know it might look like a box of tissues, but I found it to be a cheap container for a ball of yarn and project. Right now: a scarf requested by L1. And of course my laptop. So I have some kind of contact with the outside world when my whole life seems tied to My Spot.

All the usual suspects: water (usually I don't remember and someone brings it for me!), diaper supplies, remotes, pacifiers my baby rarely deems worthy, deodorant for when I realize I can't stand the smell of myself. There is also a changing pad, but it rarely gets pulled out. 

Do you have a Spot? The best place in the house to snuggle your little ones, read, knit, work, surf the internet? What are your "On Hand Must Haves"? Share with me!

Tell All Tuesday: Breastfeeding Challenges January 10th, 2012

I have been breastfeeding for just over four years. I managed to keep exclusively breastfeeding for 5 months while working full time and pumping while I was gone 10 hours a day. L1 breastfed until a few months after L2 was born, then even un-weaned 6 months later to continue until just before I became pregnant with L3. L2 continued to breastfeed until a few weeks before L3 was born, when we had to wean for personality issues (sessions were ending with me bruised and battered). I did attempt to un-wean after L3's birth, but he wasn't really asking anymore. Besides, L3 and I were having some issues establishing our breastfeeding relationship.

For about the first week of L3's life nursing wasn't quite right. I was sore, but it wasn't unbearable. She lost a bit of weight, and there was some concern. But, we took her to meet our chiropractor and get adjusted. Things got better. She gained almost 3lbs in the next few weeks. But, things went sour again.

After 4 years of breastfeeding being "easy" for me, I was in pain. Not just pain, but cracking and bleeding (can you even read that without wincing?). I called on the know-how of a wonderful lactation consultant, Marianne from Mother Nurture Breastfeeding. I have a "plan" worked out to get past the issues that could be causing the damage, but nothing is certain. Craniosacral Therapy with Bryn today, and another adjustment (really need to set up regular appointments) with our chiropractor, Dr. Matt. L3 and I are trying some different positioning techniques. We might need to explore a frenectomy for tongue tie. For the time being, L3 is satisfied breastfeeding on the side that is not in as much pain. I am using a pump on the damaged side so it can have time to heal so I don't get engorged or risk mastitis. Even that is going pretty well, my little single manual gets about 5oz a session.

All sounds so *hopeful*, right? Well, it is. But it also sucks. A lot. I feel sad, guilty, and embarrassed. Sad that I have to put my girl through the hoops to try and get things worked out (she hates the new positions). Guilty that I might have done something wrong, didn't teach her right, waited too long to try nursing, or didn't wait long enough (mommy guilt is a horrible thing). And embarrassed to share not just that my breasts were damaged and hurting, but that I have had the dark moments in the wee hours, while crying in the dark because of the pain, wondering if breastfeeding was really worth it. So far I have decided that the pain is not worth putting up with, but that doesn't mean breastfeeding isn't worth the efforts to try and fix things. I am SO glad for the support I have to remind me of that. 

So, share! The difficulties and triumphs. The challenges and rewards.  

Tell All Tuesday October 25th, 2011

Just when I think everything is running smoothly, it all seems to fall apart again. I am frustrated by everything. Nothing is good enough. I don't want to be touched by anyone, and my kids just have no way of understanding no matter how many times I try to explain. I feel like I am being beat up from the inside and out.

While Little Three is overall not as strong in moving, it seems that s/he is always moving about. And does get in a few good kicks here and there. I got one in the ribs and lungs so hard I almost drove off the road it surprised me so badly. Being glad for a nice strong, healthy baby only gets you so far before you just want a break!

When it was just L1, and before L2 was mobile, our DVD and CD collections were never a problem. Now I can't keep them away from them, and it is all a giant mess where they are getting ruined. We put the kid movies up where they can't reach, but they have started watching non-animated movies and now want to explore the whole collection. All the time. We have tried to come up with some options to get them out of the way (we DO want our children to know this house is theirs too and limit the things we have to teach them are off limits in our home) but so far they all involve buying new storage systems (not an option right now).

I want everything to just WORK, you know? I would like to wake up in the morning, rested, make breakfast, move into our day where we can play, read, craft, and everything else without all the grief. But, I am willing to bet that is what everybody wishes, no matter what their life.

I have a lot of apologies to make today. I have yelled and screamed and pushed aside too many times to be ignored (not that any times should be ignored) and I really need to find a way to reset myself and get back to where we were. How do you regain your composure and balance when you know things have gone awry? How do you make amends to the people you love when you know you have acted out?

Tell All Tuesday October 18th, 2011

I turned 28 this last week. Still not old enough to consider lying about it. But, starting to get tired of the effort I put into celebrating for my husband and boys to get little in return. Really.

This was my husband's birthday: 

This was mine:

My sister made pumpkin muffins with cream cheese frosting.

It isn't like I got nothing. My sister made cupcakes, SCRUBBED the furniture that so desperately needed it, and dyed my hair. Her boyfriend gave me a pumpkin spice candle. And my brother replaced the memory card for my camera (that my husband lost). My husband brought me blueberry muffins, and bought himself brownies (yeah, explain the fairness in that one). The only card I received was from my chiropractor! I know this just sounds whiney, but WHAT HAPPENED TO CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS?!

UPDATE: I did get to go out to dinner with my larger family last night. It was nice. Hubby is still waiting for my gift. I guess they were out. :-)

Tuesday Tell All: October 11th, 2011

This week I have committed one of the "pregnancy sins". I defend the move by saying the dye is vegetable based, non-ammonia, and I am THIRTY FREAKIN' WEEKS PREGNANT AND DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD!

Blue Hair!            

My boys have TWO new favorite movies this week. I can't feel too bad about one being The Princess Bride. I do have some guilt about letting them watch X-Men: First Class. It is more intense than I thought I would be ok with, but the good news is that we watch together and have had some really good conversations (well, as far as conversations with a 2 and a 4yo can be) about violence, emotions, and the non-reality of movies.

I think I am finally getting to a better place in my parenting again. I have been talking with some of my friends that have things a little more in hand than I do, and even the ones who think they don't because we are all on the path to create a world better than the one we live in now and believe our parenting is paramount to that goal. But, man has it been hard as our children get older to find the best way to meet each day with respect and patience. Even my  husband has had a hard time, so we are glad to look to some great books and discussions to continue adapting to our children's behavioral milestones.

We are STILL keeping up with our Weekly House Blessing. I really do give it credit to keeping our home more peaceful. Now, if only we could figure out the laundry...

See more confessions:

Moorea from MamaLady is graciously hosting the Natural Parents Network Gathering: Pacific Northwest Edition.  Here was her confession before everyone arrived! http://mamalady.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/the-natural-parents-are-coming-hide-the-stroller/

There is also a new page encouraging you to unburden yourself. The Honesty Conspiracy. Go check it out.

Tell All Tuesday October 4th, 2011

I haven't made it to Zumba in a few weeks. I really miss it, but Mike's new work schedule makes it really easy to make excuses.

I am totally excited to cook the majority of our meals in our crock pot, now that fall is here. Even though I know the family goes a bit nutty when I use it for everything.

L2 is down to nursing once or twice a day. I am sad that this is not all by his choosing (though he mostly seems ok with it), but the fights that resulted from trying to cut off a session rather than skipping it all together were just brutal. I would rather gladly breastfeed twice a day than resent breastfeeding all the time.

Even though summer is my favorite season, October is one of my favorite months. Not just for my birthday (because honestly, birthdays kinda suck as a mom) but for the generally blustery but dry weather, cute fall clothes, pumpkin lattes, and it kicks off the whole holiday season that I love so much.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but these small confessions really do help me stay real, be honest with myself, and start working past the guilt. Saying that, I would like to invite you do the same. Either send your confession or send me a link to your own Tell All Tuesday post  BY SUNDAY OCTOBER 9TH to run a week from today, October 11th. Send to drumminor83 (@) juno (.) com. Let me know how you would like to credited, and I will gladly take pictures as well.

Tell All Tuesday September 20th, 2011

My boys have a new favorite movie, and it confuses the crap out of me. I guess it is filled with bright colors, music we love, and all manner of weirdness. They ask to watch it at least once a day, and I usually say yes because they actually zone right into the movie and I can get things done with music I can sing to as the sound track. Ready to guess what it is?



Today is L1's FOURTH birthday. I can't even believe it has been 4 years already. Or that it has taken me 4 years to generally be ok with his birth, if only because without having had a c-section, I don't know that I would have come to know the awesome-ness that is homebirth.

My husband has been approached at work to take on a better paying, more responsibility position. Something that would really be great for him and our finances. But, it would mean he wasn't home for bedtime. This is big for us, because Daddy does bedtime. It has always been his time to bath, snuggle, read, and support them in falling asleep (as in, he stays with them until they are well-off in dream land). To change this would be major, especially with Little Three's arrival right around the corner. For the first time we might have to make a decision that could mean a major change for our children, or an opportunity to be in a better financial position (something no one can take lightly in the current economy, right?).

So, how is your life this week? Good, bad, or ugly, it is time to Tell All!

Tell All Tuesday September 13th, 2011

This Tuesday Tell All, I am glad to say, is a bit brighter than the last few. Things are finally working better for me. I found some things that work, and am working on learning new things to change my perspective.

I started reading "Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids" by Bonnie Harris. A simplistic explanation of the idea presented is that kids WANT to be in line with us, and behavior (good or bad) is just their way of trying to communicate it with us and it is up to us to keep from taking offense and decode their message. I am not very good at it yet, and sometimes when I get angry I think it is crap. But, when I am calm and my brain is actually functioning properly, I know that it is true. My two year old is NOT actually out to drive me nuts. What good would that do him? Check out more from Bonnie Harris.

26 weeks

Little Three is getting stronger. Not really too active with hitting and kicking, but is quite squirmy. New babies may be all that and a bag of chips, but the squirmy feeling starts driving me nuts after a bit. I keep trying to tell him/her that there is no escape for a while yet, and with my ribs and lungs up and cervix and pelvis down, it would be great if s/he would aim outward, but no such luck. But, we are starting to run out of room, so I know s/he is just trying to find more space. 

The one sad note for this week is a prayer for a woman who was my connection to the group where I found the friends who now surround and support me. We didn't know each other very well or very long, but she touched my life and I can never thank her enough. Whitney is a bright young woman, with two beautiful children, who has bravely battled colon cancer for 3 years. That battle seems to be drawing to end, and I wish her great peace, and her family all the love I could send. I only wish I lived closer so I could do more.

A Blue Candle, for Colon Cancer Awareness.
Whitney, you are a light to so many people.
I hope this isn't the end, and if it is it means peace for you and your family.

Tell All Tuesday September 6th, 2011

Pregnancy is hard.

Nursing a toddler is hard.

Keeping up with an almost 4yo is hard.

Crying everyday is not normal.

Sometimes you have to ask for help.




I am glad I realized that I was having some problems dealing with my moods, recognizing some troubling behaviors from a time when I was dealing with depressive episodes. (I never went for a diagnosis for depression, but took some classes that helped me move past my past a bit and learn to focus and manage myself a little better.)

I asked my doula/midwife assistant friend if there was such a thing as prenatal depression. I mean, Wikipedia doesn't know about it if there is! She said yes and sent me off to my naturopathic midwife.

Our course of action has been to see if addressing some possible deficiencies could be a culprit. I now take some supplements for Vitamin D, B6, and Omega 3 fish oil (something you should discuss with your care provider). Within a week I could feel things changing. I don't cry everyday. I have a *little* more patience. I could ask my friends and family to help me, without feeling so ashamed. They are my lifesavers.

This Tell All Tuesday was hard to write. No one likes to share that they don't have everything under control, or are having a hard time. But, I can personally tell you that sharing my problems has been a good thing, and I want others to know that they are not alone. If you are constantly at a loss for why you feel "this way," out of control, not managing yourself well, please speak up. There is always someone who cares, and there may be things that can help.

Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety during Pregnancy:

1. Extreme fatigue combined with excessive sadness and crying.
2. Extreme agitation and/or mood swings.
3. Compulsive eating or inability to eat.
4. Inability to enjoy the things that you used to enjoy before pregnancy.
5. Disturbed sleep patterns, such as the need to sleep all the time or insomnia (neither being related to pregnancy).
6. Panic attacks.
7. Obsessive behaviors/irrational thought processes.

For more information on prenatal depression:
http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/health_wellness/energy_emotions/article/depression-pregnancy

http://www.thecradle.com/depressionduringpregnancy

http://pregnancyandbaby.sheknows.com/pregnancy/baby/Breaking-the-silence-on-prenatal-depression-116.htm

Tell All Tuesday

So it has been a few weeks.

I have yelled.

I have re actively smacked a toddler cheek when he gave me a titty-twister trying to convince me to breastfeed. I also apologized for it.

We are working on getting back to little/no tv. It is a slower process this time, as this is one tired, pregnant momma. Even in the 2nd trimester and no longer sick, keeping moving take A LOT.

Today we spent half the day watching TV, but we also painted, played chef, read books and raced cars.

This weekend I am "competing" in Warrior Dash. At 17 weeks pregnant, I am really just going to say I went and not pushing it. But, I do intend to put my best effort in!

I feel I am failing a little at leading my online book club. We are reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. I am only half way, though it is an easy, and engaging read.

Tell All Tuesday: SUMMER!

Yay! The calendar says it is summer! Doesn't mean a dang thing in our neck of the woods, but, the calendar says it is so, so it must be. Right? RIGHT?

But, on with the confessions.

I ignored the social protocol of a parade, and allowed my child to play in and walk down the middle of the road. (As long as they weren't blocking anybody).

I have not had clean skivvies in over a week. I just go commando, because mine seem to NEVER make it into the laundry. Kid's comes first, ya know?

I can't, for the life of me, keep my youngest from taking my oldest down in a hug hold. He pretends to hug him, but really drops to the ground in a dead weight so he can sit on him, jump on him, and pull his hair. Frequently I don't intervene, hoping one day they will work it out.

Tell All Tuesday

Well, since this is True Confessions, I thought we might start confessing. (Though, I can't offer absolution!) Its good for the soul, right? So, let it fly!



One day last week I let my children spend ALL MORNING (and some of the afternoon!) watching the same two episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, running on FastPlay. I did play the DVD game with them, but mostly wasted time on the computer.

I frequently don't get them dressed all day, and wait until my husband is almost home to get dressed myself.

Even without changing clothes for everyone everyday, I STILL can't catch up with laundry.

Next week, I'll try to have some pictures to go with our Tell All Tuesday. Feel free to share yours!