Built for Two

Welcome to the Carnival of Tandem Nursing
This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Tandem Nursing hosted by Mommying My Way. Our participants have shared their personal stories of the highs the lows and information on what to expect if tandeming is in your future. Please read to the end of each post to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Outside my bubble of breastfeeding, attachment parenting minded friends, most people couldn't understand why I would continue to breast feed my almost 2 year old. When I got pregnant with my second child, a few people thought it would be time for us to wean. My son didn't think so, and neither did I. So, I started reading, readying myself for what I could expect from tandem nursing. It sounded perfect. Feed my new baby, and have a way to still my toddler for a few minutes. I could nurse them both down for naps at the same time! When I was too tired to get up for snacks, I could offer to nurse. It would ease the transition to sibling life and teach them their first lessons of sharing with each other at the breast. For the most part, it was great. And it was all of those things. But, there were a few things i wasn't prepared for that made things difficult for me to continue to tandem nurse. (In fact, we even weaned for a time.) I want to share them, not to scare anyone away from the idea of tandem nursing, but so that you can prepare for it, in case similar issues arise for you.

 My oldest child, L1, is the sweetest little boy. He loves me, and loved to breastfeed. Our first night apart was the night I was in labor with his brother. He was 23 months old. We had started doing bedtimes with daddy so he didn't need to nurse to sleep every night, but had not worked to night wean otherwise. The new baby, L2, was a GOOD sleeper. Not waking most of the night after the first few days. But, L1 was waking frequently to reconnect and nurse. More often than the baby. I was frustrated and tired. So we started using Daddy as the first responder. Daddy would offer cuddles, water, snacks, whatever we could. I made an effort to breastfeed during the day more frequently to make sure he wasn't trying to make up for lost time at the breast at night. Eventually, L1 was able to sleep through the night again. When my third child came, we had learned our lesson and started practicing Daddy at Bedtime. Which was especially helpful to start early enough he was sleeping through the night by the time the baby came and my husband started working nights.

The other issue I came up against was the distinct fear and overwhelming feeling that I was not safe when I tandem nursed them at the same time. I have always had some issues with confined spaces, and being "trapped" under two children was difficult. What I was able to discern was some primal need to be alert, to be able to defend my children at a moments notice. How could I do this when I was so EXPOSED and weighed down? I could generally get past this feeling by limiting these moments to spaces I felt secure and relaxed. Mostly at home in our bed. Also at the house where I nannied, so I could get all three children to nap at the same time. For some reason, because the prospect of a few minutes of all of them sleeping at once was so enticing, I could manage it. Finding that space to feel relaxed helped us continue to have that special time together.

 The last issue I needed to address wasn't so much a problem with my first two children, but with my newest addition. We had weaned for the last part of my pregnancy, then had a hard time establishing breastfeeding, prolonging our temporary weaning until things were better. By then, I was breastfeeding my new baby, had taken on pumping milk to donate to another mother and baby, and my middle child was interested in unweaning. It has been a lesson for us all about sharing, self-care, and patience. Working to teach a more sensitive child to wait while the baby eats is not an easy task. Especially when your toddler thwarts your attempts at distraction with offers of flavored milk with a sad face "Nursies are better than ice cream milk!" I think things have gone pretty well as long as I keep communicating "First sister gets nursies, then I will pump for Baby Buddha, then you can have nursies. BUT, you can sit with me and help."

Through all of that: I would do it all again. Maybe even better. I believe in tandem nursing, if that is what works for you and your baby.
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• My Tandem Nursing Journey: Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy is sharing her tandem nursing journey so far...
• Built for Two: No matter how much you read and plan, things may not always go as you expect. A few things that Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy wished she knew when she was planning to tandem feed her toddler and newborn.
• Tandem Nursing - Magic Cure?: Jorje of Momma Jorje had high expectations of tandem nursing easing her toddler daughter's transition from being the baby to being a big sister.
• Mutually Desirable - Navigating a Tandem Nursing Experience: Amy Willa at www.amywilla.com talks about limit setting and meditations that help her navigate an intense tandem nursing experience.
• My Adventure in Tandem Nursing: Alicia at Lactation Narration tells her story of nursing her daughter through pregnancy and then tandem nursing.
• 4 months in: the good/hard: Becca at Exile Fertility writes about the joys and struggles of having two nurslings 17 months apart.
• Tandem Nursing: One at a Time: When tandem nursing resulted in a nursing aversion, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children looked for ways to meet everyone's needs.
• Why Nurse a 4 Year Old?: One of the questions Dionna at Code Name: Mama keeps getting is, "but why breastfeed a four year old? What are the benefits?" Today she answers that question.
• My Hurt Feelings: Shannon at The Artful Mama shares how her first son reacted to nursing after the birth of his brother and the gift she received the last time he nursed.
• Carnival of Tandem Nursing: A Letter To Myself 7 Years Ago: Dulce de leche shares the advice and reassurance that she would have given to herself if she could go back in time.
• Nursing Both My Babies: Cassie at There’s a Pickle in my Life shares her experience with nursing and transitioning into tandem nursing. She also gives tips for struggles.
• Our Tandem Nursing Journey: Kim at Life-is-Learning describes her journey into tandem nursing and why it is important to her.
• Based on her own experience, Lauren at Hobo Mama dishes about the benefits and downsides to nursing multiple children.

Just Another Mom, and That is Enough.

There are plenty of conversations going on about the "extreme parenting" idea of attachment parenting. I don't want to talk about the latest article. All that matters is what works for my family. I didn't set out to follow any kind of script with my parenting style. I knew before my children were born that I wanted to have a natural birth. That I wanted to breastfeed. I knew babywearing made things much easier. I had stories of babies sleeping better when in their parents arms. I don't think I learned what Attachment Parenting was until my first child was 5 or 6 months old, and I was trying to find friends with similar ideas.

Moms have tough jobs. Love your kids, love yourself, love your partner, take care of your home, kids, car, job, school, I could go on forever. I know moms of all different styles. I have only seen one bad mom, who abandoned her son for drugs (though, it was likely for the best in the long run for her child when he was placed with a loving family.) I know moms who don't breastfeed, couldn't, use formula, use donated milk, breastfeed for a little while or leave it to their children. Moms who work, go to school, stay home, work from home, work nights, use a nanny, use a day care, trade days with other moms. Some sleep with their kids, others find their family needs separate sleep space. Discipline in a wide range of ways.  Still, what matters? What works for us.

So, if someone asks you if you are "Mom Enough," try not to think of it a pitting one style of parenting against another (even if that is what THEY want you to think.) Ask yourself: are you mom enough for your children? Do you do your best to meet their needs, as well as your own? Do you make decisions based on what is possible for you in your current situation? I know that very frequently we feel the mommy guilt and think our children deserve better. Sometimes we feel beat down and think we deserve better. But, dig down to the nitty gritty and look. Are you mom enough? Look at your children, best done while they are sleeping ;-), and know that if they are grubby from no more than good clean earth and comfortable, that you are enough. You are enough mom for your children. Because you are their mom, and that is enough.

Tell All Tuesday: January 3rd, 2012

It has been a full end of the year around here. There have been highs and lows of course.

L3 arrived TWO WEEKS EARLY. And being that we expected her to come later (L2 was a week "late") we weren't totally prepared. The Christmas tree had only gone up the day before labor started!

Breastfeeding did not kick off easily or right away like it had in the past. It took us almost a week to work out her latch issues. I even had cracked nipples! After never having breastfeeding issues, this was really frustrating!

Then there was a period of concern about L3's weight gain. She was still -5oz from her birth weight a week later (even without IV fluids in labor.) But she solved that one with the development of her latch and my SUPERMILK! She went on to gain 14oz the next week!

I had intended to allow for the exploration of un-weaning L2 after my milk came in. He has breastfed a few times, but mostly I put him off and save it for the times that NOTHING ELSE WORKS. So, I am confessing I am not the all accepting, tandem nursing mom I was able to be for L1. I feel pretty guilty about that, but also realize that L2's needs are different than L1's were. Otherwise he would be requesting more, right?

On the potty bowl!

I wanted to try to practice Elimination Communication from the beginning with L3. I settled for watching for her cues and trying not to let a dirty diaper sit. Not that she would allow that. She was clear when she needed a dry diaper. We have started up though, and I hope to manage more as we go on.

Something that has been different from this pregnancy from the last ones was the weight gain. I had always finished off down when all is said and done. This time I am not. I am back in my "comfy" jeans, but not back to size. Granted it has only been 4 weeks, I lost so much weigh between pregnancies, and I am ready to head back to Zumba and watching our diet more closely (the last month being mostly comfort foods, junk, candy, and take out) so I don't expect it to take long to feel fit again. I am actually surprised I care about my weight this way, and want to work on focusing the frustration on feeling fit and able to keep up with my children over fitting into certain sizes.

We have NOT kept up with our weekly house blessing. With Mike moving to graveyard and my being to uncomfortable and tired to keep up myself, we slacked. So now we need to find a way to make it work with a new baby and Mike on graveyard. Stay tuned for more on that!

Wordless Wednesday December 7th, 2011: Little Three is HERE!

Labor Nest

See L3's birth story here.

Tell All Tuesday September 20th, 2011

My boys have a new favorite movie, and it confuses the crap out of me. I guess it is filled with bright colors, music we love, and all manner of weirdness. They ask to watch it at least once a day, and I usually say yes because they actually zone right into the movie and I can get things done with music I can sing to as the sound track. Ready to guess what it is?



Today is L1's FOURTH birthday. I can't even believe it has been 4 years already. Or that it has taken me 4 years to generally be ok with his birth, if only because without having had a c-section, I don't know that I would have come to know the awesome-ness that is homebirth.

My husband has been approached at work to take on a better paying, more responsibility position. Something that would really be great for him and our finances. But, it would mean he wasn't home for bedtime. This is big for us, because Daddy does bedtime. It has always been his time to bath, snuggle, read, and support them in falling asleep (as in, he stays with them until they are well-off in dream land). To change this would be major, especially with Little Three's arrival right around the corner. For the first time we might have to make a decision that could mean a major change for our children, or an opportunity to be in a better financial position (something no one can take lightly in the current economy, right?).

So, how is your life this week? Good, bad, or ugly, it is time to Tell All!

Camping

I love camping. My husband loves camping. But, we have only been camping together a handful of times. I'm not sure why we didn't do it more when we were kid-less, but I can now appreciate why we haven't done it more as our family has grown. And yet, we vow to go more often. As in, we just got back, and we are planning another in about 3 weeks. That seems a ways off, but we have had a full summer, and I know it will be here before we know it. And this time, we are going alone.

Ok, maybe not totally alone. We hope some friends will join us, we just aren't planning on organizing anyone but us four.

But, I figured I should write out now what I learned on this last trip to make things easier on the next. I made a few rookie mistakes, but also planned very well in other aspects.

We went with my family: Mom, Tante and her boyfriend, and my mom's husband and his daughter. (Yes, there is a distinction between that and step-dad and step-sister. There isn't a point in explaining it here, as I hope as we all grow older and wiser we can eliminate that seperation. We just aren't there quite yet.) They brought the boat and we visited a beautiful area on Baker Lake. My mom's husband planned most of the food (I filled in for our food restrictions, but he mostly had it covered) and that was great to not have to plan, or cook all of it. Or any really: he precooked a LOT of meat, so it was ready and delicious with very little time spent.

Now, my list of things to remember:

1. Kids need things to DO or they will find something, including getting into trouble. We spent much of our time keeping L1 from running off to the lake to throw rocks in the water. I need to remember to bring things for him to do in camp. Snacks he can help make, cars to drive in the dirt, crafty things to utilize the amazing surroundings.

2. Non-walkers who are almost walkers HATE not being able to roam. L2 outgrew his shoes AS WE LEFT (I swear!) so we spent a lot of time keeping him off the ground. I don't mind the getting dirty part, just the scraped feet and knees. I need to pack better, so he can explore safely.

3. Pack tons of diapers. Then double it. I carefully packed the number of cloth diapers we would normally use, and all of our covers. So, of course, the boys changed their habits and we ran short.

4. Be ready to not do any of the things you planned. I didn't get out on the boat once. But, I did get to take long naps and read an entire book. A real one, with chapters and no pictures.

What I did RIGHT!:

1. Don't count on sleeping bags. We used some oversized ones opened and spread out. I brought pillows and blankets a plenty to keep us warm in as close to our family bed style as normal. It was great. I have never been so warm and comfy camping as I was will little bodies all around. And I knew they were safe and warm with me.

2. Bring a variety of clothes, as you never know what the weather will do. I had warm jackets, sweaters, lined pants and shorts. And more than one pair of shoes for everyone. Well, except L2. Sorry baby!

3. Babywearing. Always a must, no matter where we travel or what we are doing. Even L1 spent some time on daddy when he was tired and overwhelmed.

4. Bring good bug spray. With L2 being so sensitive to, well, everything, this could have been a hard one. Good thing I already had a trusted skincare product provider My Mama's Love, and she just introduced Bug-Off-Me, so I picked some up knowing that if her daughter's skin was ok with it, so would L2's and that her products are the best quality and they WORK! (I'm not affiliated with them, I just love-love-love every product I have ever tried and am quick to tell anyone who asks.) Now, I just have to wait for them to put out a sunscreen!

Overall, it was a very fun, but trying weekend. I really need to start realizing that if something isn't working it is usually my attitude that needs to be addressed first. Can't wait to get our family out again!