Have you ever felt overwhelmed when it comes to making the best choices for your family?
With all the hidden dangers lurking in our food supply, water supply, products we use daily, and even just in the environment, more and more parents are choosing to live a simpler, more natural lifestyle. But making the transition is enough to make any parent's head spin. And what about those soon-to-be parents who are just beginning their journey? All the research, websites, and books lead to information overload.
Welcome to the Carnival of Tandem Nursing This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Tandem Nursing hosted by Mommying My Way. Our participants have shared their personal stories of the highs the lows and information on what to expect if tandeming is in your future. Please read to the end of each post to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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Outside my bubble of breastfeeding, attachment parenting minded friends, most people couldn't understand why I would continue to breast feed my almost 2 year old. When I got pregnant with my second child, a few people thought it would be time for us to wean. My son didn't think so, and neither did I.
So, I started reading, readying myself for what I could expect from tandem nursing. It sounded perfect. Feed my new baby, and have a way to still my toddler for a few minutes. I could nurse them both down for naps at the same time! When I was too tired to get up for snacks, I could offer to nurse. It would ease the transition to sibling life and teach them their first lessons of sharing with each other at the breast.
For the most part, it was great. And it was all of those things. But, there were a few things i wasn't prepared for that made things difficult for me to continue to tandem nurse. (In fact, we even weaned for a time.) I want to share them, not to scare anyone away from the idea of tandem nursing, but so that you can prepare for it, in case similar issues arise for you.
My oldest child, L1, is the sweetest little boy. He loves me, and loved to breastfeed. Our first night apart was the night I was in labor with his brother. He was 23 months old. We had started doing bedtimes with daddy so he didn't need to nurse to sleep every night, but had not worked to night wean otherwise. The new baby, L2, was a GOOD sleeper. Not waking most of the night after the first few days. But, L1 was waking frequently to reconnect and nurse. More often than the baby. I was frustrated and tired. So we started using Daddy as the first responder. Daddy would offer cuddles, water, snacks, whatever we could. I made an effort to breastfeed during the day more frequently to make sure he wasn't trying to make up for lost time at the breast at night. Eventually, L1 was able to sleep through the night again. When my third child came, we had learned our lesson and started practicing Daddy at Bedtime. Which was especially helpful to start early enough he was sleeping through the night by the time the baby came and my husband started working nights.
The other issue I came up against was the distinct fear and overwhelming feeling that I was not safe when I tandem nursed them at the same time. I have always had some issues with confined spaces, and being "trapped" under two children was difficult. What I was able to discern was some primal need to be alert, to be able to defend my children at a moments notice. How could I do this when I was so EXPOSED and weighed down? I could generally get past this feeling by limiting these moments to spaces I felt secure and relaxed. Mostly at home in our bed. Also at the house where I nannied, so I could get all three children to nap at the same time. For some reason, because the prospect of a few minutes of all of them sleeping at once was so enticing, I could manage it. Finding that space to feel relaxed helped us continue to have that special time together.
The last issue I needed to address wasn't so much a problem with my first two children, but with my newest addition. We had weaned for the last part of my pregnancy, then had a hard time establishing breastfeeding, prolonging our temporary weaning until things were better. By then, I was breastfeeding my new baby, had taken on pumping milk to donate to another mother and baby, and my middle child was interested in unweaning. It has been a lesson for us all about sharing, self-care, and patience. Working to teach a more sensitive child to wait while the baby eats is not an easy task. Especially when your toddler thwarts your attempts at distraction with offers of flavored milk with a sad face "Nursies are better than ice cream milk!" I think things have gone pretty well as long as I keep communicating "First sister gets nursies, then I will pump for Baby Buddha, then you can have nursies. BUT, you can sit with me and help."
Through all of that: I would do it all again. Maybe even better. I believe in tandem nursing, if that is what works for you and your baby.
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My Tandem Nursing Journey: Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy is sharing her tandem nursing journey so far...
Built for Two: No matter how much you read and plan, things may not always go as you expect. A few things that Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy wished she knew when she was planning to tandem feed her toddler and newborn.
Tandem Nursing - Magic Cure?: Jorje of Momma Jorje had high expectations of tandem nursing easing her toddler daughter's transition from being the baby to being a big sister.
My Adventure in Tandem Nursing: Alicia at Lactation Narration tells her story of nursing her daughter through pregnancy and then tandem nursing.
4 months in: the good/hard: Becca at Exile Fertility writes about the joys and struggles of having two nurslings 17 months apart.
Tandem Nursing: One at a Time: When tandem nursing resulted in a nursing aversion, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children looked for ways to meet everyone's needs.
Why Nurse a 4 Year Old?: One of the questions Dionna at Code Name: Mama keeps getting is, "but why breastfeed a four year old? What are the benefits?" Today she answers that question.
My Hurt Feelings: Shannon at The Artful Mama shares how her first son reacted to nursing after the birth of his brother and the gift she received the last time he nursed.
Nursing Both My Babies: Cassie at There’s a Pickle in my Life shares her experience with nursing and transitioning into tandem nursing. She also gives tips for struggles.
Our Tandem Nursing Journey: Kim at Life-is-Learning describes her journey into tandem nursing and why it is important to her.
Based on her own experience, Lauren at Hobo Mama dishes about the benefits and downsides to nursing multiple children.
There are plenty of conversations going on about the "extreme parenting" idea of attachment parenting. I don't want to talk about the latest article. All that matters is what works for my family. I didn't set out to follow any kind of script with my parenting style. I knew before my children were born that I wanted to have a natural birth. That I wanted to breastfeed. I knew babywearing made things much easier. I had stories of babies sleeping better when in their parents arms. I don't think I learned what Attachment Parenting was until my first child was 5 or 6 months old, and I was trying to find friends with similar ideas.
Moms have tough jobs. Love your kids, love yourself, love your partner, take care of your home, kids, car, job, school, I could go on forever. I know moms of all different styles. I have only seen one bad mom, who abandoned her son for drugs (though, it was likely for the best in the long run for her child when he was placed with a loving family.) I know moms who don't breastfeed, couldn't, use formula, use donated milk, breastfeed for a little while or leave it to their children. Moms who work, go to school, stay home, work from home, work nights, use a nanny, use a day care, trade days with other moms. Some sleep with their kids, others find their family needs separate sleep space. Discipline in a wide range of ways. Still, what matters? What works for us.
So, if someone asks you if you are "Mom Enough," try not to think of it a pitting one style of parenting against another (even if that is what THEY want you to think.) Ask yourself: are you mom enough for your children? Do you do your best to meet their needs, as well as your own? Do you make decisions based on what is possible for you in your current situation? I know that very frequently we feel the mommy guilt and think our children deserve better. Sometimes we feel beat down and think we deserve better. But, dig down to the nitty gritty and look. Are you mom enough? Look at your children, best done while they are sleeping ;-), and know that if they are grubby from no more than good clean earth and comfortable, that you are enough. You are enough mom for your children. Because you are their mom, and that is enough.
Welcome to the Pregnancy Necessities Carnival!This post was written for inclusion in the Pregnancy Necessities Carnival hosted by Parenting God’s Children. Today, participants share what they simply cannot live without during their pregnancies or simply what to gather for their upcoming new addition. Please see the full list of links to the other carnival submissions at the end of this post. Enjoy! ***
There are plenty of things you think about needing for when you are pregnant. Maternity clothes. Support pillows. T-shirt warning people of impending damage to their cranium if they touch your protruding belly.
What was the ONE thing I used almost daily, through all three pregnancies, and that I suggest to all pregnant moms? A water pack.
Keeping hydrated while pregnant can be difficult. But, it is so important! Water flushes waste products from the cells and aids in liver and kidney function for both mom and the baby. It is also needed for the body's expansion as mom's blood volume increases significantly. Insufficient water intake can be a factor in constipation, preterm labor, and miscarriage, and even slight dehydration can cause or contribute to fatigue.
Using the pack, I would drink without thought, kind of gnawing on the mouth piece. If I tried drinking cups of water I would feel bloated just thinking of how many I needed, or how big the cup was. With the pack I had water on me at all times, when it emptied I would fill again and know I would meet my water quota with one refill. It worked great. And I can keep using it to keep hydrated while breastfeeding, hiking, and taking kids out to play. The only con was keeping my kids from chewing on it!
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Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants!
The Pregnancy Happiness List — That Mama Gretchen is half way through pregnancy number two and is spilling the beans on her pregnancy must-haves!
What A Pregnant Woman Really Needs — Jennifer Hybrid Rasta Mama reflects on what items she could not live without during her pregnancy as well as those she wishes she had.
Cravings of Another Kind — When reflecting on what made her pregnancy enjoyable, Adrienne at Mommying My Way discovered information is what she craved most of all.
The Pregnancy Necessities — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World shares her top ten must haves for pregnant women.
Pregnancy Necessities with a Toddler In Tow — Amyables at Toddler in Tow lists several simple things that make pregnancy while parenting an older child much less stressful and more enjoyable.
First Trimester Staples — Megan BB from The Memoirs of Megan shares her first trimester "must haves"
The Pregnancy Must Have — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy shares the ONE thing she used almost daily, through all three pregnancies and suggests to all pregnant moms.
My Pregnancy Support System — While there are many material things that are nice to have during pregnancy, Dionna at Code Name: Mama’s true essentials were her family.
Ten Essentials for a HAPPY Pregnant Mama — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children is half way through her third pregnancy! She shares the things she‘s found to be essential to a happy pregnant mama.
Today is L3's 2 week birthday. It is also her "due date". So, it is about time I get the story down. There are some pictures, but nothing graphic (no genitals or nipples, but bare belly and breastfeeding baby). From beginning to baby took about 25 hours, 13 hours less than L2's birth.
Ever have that dream where you are going to the bathroom, only to wake to hoping you were just dreaming and can make it to the bathroom in time? December 4th, 2011, Sunday morning, I woke to that, only instead of an urge to pee it was a pop and a gush. I wouldn't be making it to the bathroom, my water had just broke.
So I waddled to the bedroom door, seeing that it was about 3:30am, and wondered where my husband was. He should have been home from work about an hour earlier. I loudly whispered his name (he had been reading on the couch) and told him the news. He was surprised, to say the least.
I got to the bathroom, while Mike called our midwife, Dr Brandy, and doula (also our midwife's assistant), Megan. At this point, what is happening hits me, and I completely break down in a panic attack. My birth of L1 started with my water breaking, and it did not go well from there. It took my husband, and phone conversations with my birth team to calm me down, and put us back on track for our plans of a homebirth. Since we weren't having any contractions, everyone stayed home to wait and see how things played out.
Since my boys were still asleep in our bed (and the wet spot I created in my spot at the foot of the bed), and Mike hadn't even been to bed yet, we set up in the living room to get some sleep. Only, my contractions started about an hour later. And got stronger.
We had intended to send the boys and roommates to my brother's to wait. But when they decided to wake up at 5:30am I called my mom to come get them. I knew there was no way I could keep myself calm and focused with kiddos who had woken up too early. So, we kicked everyone out by 8 or 9am.
Mike and I spent the day resting in our "nest", watching the second season of the original series of Star Trek, taking walks, and just being together. My contractions were very uneven, though were pretty strong. All day we played that game. Sleep, snack, Star Trek.
At 5ish, I was getting uncomfortable and decided to get into the tub. Everyone (myself included) thought that my baby would wait for nighttime to arrive. But instead of resting, my contractions became stronger. I breathed and moaned though them, in the glow of our Christmas lights, with Christmas music playing. I remember at one point thinking it was taking forever, and a non-Christmas song came on. The lyrics to the song were EXACTLY what I needed to hear (really, listen to it).
I bawled my eyes out. We were in gear and really progressing. We called Megan to come over. I got out of the tub needing to use the bathroom. And the contractions stopped.
Damn.
So again, we rested, we snacked, we walked (not pleasant at all: 20 degrees and throwing up on the stairs), we listened to Christmas music and basked in the glow of our lights.
Déjà vu all over again. Megan told my husband to sleep, me to relax in the birth tub, and she made herself scarce (My doula is rad like that. She knows when to kick my ass into gear, when I need encouraging, and when to just leave me alone. Check her out if you want an awesome doula). With everyone otherwise occupied I started having good, steady contractions again. The birth tub got cold, so I moved to our shower.
I decided to check myself at that point. I was beginning to loose some of my hope, and was hoping to find myself decently dilated, which I was. I still felt a bit of a lip though. So, as Mike dozed while sitting on the toilet (just as a seat), I labored in the shower. There came a point where I started feeling like pushing, but was worried it wasn't really time. So, I pushed a little. Then a little more. I didn't tell anyone I was pushing, I had a fear they would tell me to stop. When I realized I couldn't stop pushing, I woke up Mike and told him to get Megan. When she saw there was no access to my bathroom, she encouraged me to try to get to the bed.
I made it out of the tub and to the toilet. Then I realized if I stayed much longer, I was going to have a baby in the toilet. So, I moved again. About 3 steps. Then I announced I couldn't go further and needed to push, even though I wasn't sure I was complete enough. Must have been though, because I squat down (right at the edge of the bathroom linoleum) and pushed. Good thing Megan keeps medical gloves in her pocket, and the chux pads were in arms reach of Mike. Out came baby in just a couple of pushes! I reached down, lifted the baby to my chest, and fell back into Mike's arms. After a few moments of rubbing baby down to get some response, we took a look and saw we had a GIRL! Really. I checked repeatedly over the next few days, that is how surprised I am.
After delivering the placenta, exploring the system that nourished my little girl (cord that went FOREVER, twice around her neck, and around her body, between her legs), attempting to initiate breastfeeding (she wasn't interested yet), and the arrival of my midwife (because I didn't mention how far along I thought I was, no one knew to call her sooner. Sorry Dr. B!), we shifted to the bed to snuggle for a bit before cutting the cord, checking for tears, and doing her newborn check. She was 7lbs 6oz, 19in. All healthy, no stitches needed, and we were bundled up for the best part: the first nap, snuggled in my bed, with my husband and beautiful new baby girl.
As I began to write my birth story for L3's birth, I realized that L2 was never cross-posted here. So, enjoy while I work out my thoughts on my latest birth!
After many days of warm-up labor, I felt we were at the real thing Monday afternoon. Went to bed about 10 that night after calling our doula to warn her things were happening, but we were going to try to sleep. I woke up to strong contractions at about 1:30am. After an early morning of getting things put together, kicking out family at 9ish, midwife check about 9:30, we then had a whole day of uneven contractions. It wasn't until 10pm, when I realized that L1 was about to spend his first night away from my husband and me, that I needed to put my all into this and not just wait and see.
(Totally loose track of time in this part. Somewhere between 1am and conclusion at 6:35am.) So we walked, then I started telling myself when to have contractions. I would tell myself "Now," a contraction would start, I would be with it, it would resolve, I would take a drink and a breath, then start it again. Soon after they took the pace on their own and we were officially in to hard labor. As things became more difficult, I spent time in the shower and in the labor tub. I remember getting angry that it hurt so bad! I would hit the tub edge. When I was getting IV antibiotics for Strep B, I was stuck to many times, my midwife's assistant FELL on me (I am sure she was horrified) and when my midwife broke my water she accidentally stuck me with the tool. At that point I WHINED. I complained that it wasn't fair for it to hurt so bad, people
falling on me, being stabbed with everything. I was told I was complete, second check revealed I wasn't. Midwife left for another birth, I had a backup midwife come (who was wonderful as well, even if I did hate her for the great help she was in pushing aside a cervical lip when I couldn't wait to push anymore.)
Finally, my son was born at 6:35am, in my bed! He was born with his hand next to his cheek, causing all the trouble! 8lbs 12 oz, 21in. I had 8 stitches to repair tearing, then we spent the rest of the morning sleeping, IN MY OWN BED! It was amazing. Now, 3 weeks later I am back to work, can chase
my toddler around again, and am almost 100%. I couldn't imagine a better way for things to go, as they all went in the way to bring me to my amazing HBAC! I really do feel like a REAL woman now.
I have a prenatal yoga DVD from the library. L1 loves to join in, though it doesn't usually last very long. This time, I think we made it about 30 minutes!
Just when I think everything is running smoothly, it all seems to fall apart again. I am frustrated by everything. Nothing is good enough. I don't want to be touched by anyone, and my kids just have no way of understanding no matter how many times I try to explain. I feel like I am being beat up from the inside and out.
While Little Three is overall not as strong in moving, it seems that s/he is always moving about. And does get in a few good kicks here and there. I got one in the ribs and lungs so hard I almost drove off the road it surprised me so badly. Being glad for a nice strong, healthy baby only gets you so far before you just want a break!
When it was just L1, and before L2 was mobile, our DVD and CD collections were never a problem. Now I can't keep them away from them, and it is all a giant mess where they are getting ruined. We put the kid movies up where they can't reach, but they have started watching non-animated movies and now want to explore the whole collection. All the time. We have tried to come up with some options to get them out of the way (we DO want our children to know this house is theirs too and limit the things we have to teach them are off limits in our home) but so far they all involve buying new storage systems (not an option right now).
I want everything to just WORK, you know? I would like to wake up in the morning, rested, make breakfast, move into our day where we can play, read, craft, and everything else without all the grief. But, I am willing to bet that is what everybody wishes, no matter what their life.
I have a lot of apologies to make today. I have yelled and screamed and pushed aside too many times to be ignored (not that any times should be ignored) and I really need to find a way to reset myself and get back to where we were. How do you regain your composure and balance when you know things have gone awry? How do you make amends to the people you love when you know you have acted out?
This week I have committed one of the "pregnancy sins". I defend the move by saying the dye is vegetable based, non-ammonia, and I am THIRTY FREAKIN' WEEKS PREGNANT AND DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD!
Blue Hair!
My boys have TWO new favorite movies this week. I can't feel too bad about one being The Princess Bride. I do have some guilt about letting them watch X-Men: First Class. It is more intense than I thought I would be ok with, but the good news is that we watch together and have had some really good conversations (well, as far as conversations with a 2 and a 4yo can be) about violence, emotions, and the non-reality of movies.
I think I am finally getting to a better place in my parenting again. I have been talking with some of my friends that have things a little more in hand than I do, and even the ones who think they don't because we are all on the path to create a world better than the one we live in now and believe our parenting is paramount to that goal. But, man has it been hard as our children get older to find the best way to meet each day with respect and patience. Even my husband has had a hard time, so we are glad to look to some great books and discussions to continue adapting to our children's behavioral milestones.
We are STILL keeping up with our Weekly House Blessing. I really do give it credit to keeping our home more peaceful. Now, if only we could figure out the laundry...
I am glad I realized that I was having some problems dealing with my moods, recognizing some troubling behaviors from a time when I was dealing with depressive episodes. (I never went for a diagnosis for depression, but took some classes that helped me move past my past a bit and learn to focus and manage myself a little better.)
I asked my doula/midwife assistant friend if there was such a thing as prenatal depression. I mean, Wikipedia doesn't know about it if there is! She said yes and sent me off to my naturopathic midwife.
Our course of action has been to see if addressing some possible deficiencies could be a culprit. I now take some supplements for Vitamin D, B6, and Omega 3 fish oil (something you should discuss with your care provider). Within a week I could feel things changing. I don't cry everyday. I have a *little* more patience. I could ask my friends and family to help me, without feeling so ashamed. They are my lifesavers.
This Tell All Tuesday was hard to write. No one likes to share that they don't have everything under control, or are having a hard time. But, I can personally tell you that sharing my problems has been a good thing, and I want others to know that they are not alone. If you are constantly at a loss for why you feel "this way," out of control, not managing yourself well, please speak up. There is always someone who cares, and there may be things that can help.
Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety during Pregnancy:
Extreme fatigue combined with excessive sadness and crying.
Extreme agitation and/or mood swings.
Compulsive eating or inability to eat.
Inability to enjoy the things that you used to enjoy before pregnancy.
Disturbed sleep patterns, such as the need to sleep all the time or insomnia (neither being related to pregnancy).
I have re actively smacked a toddler cheek when he gave me a titty-twister trying to convince me to breastfeed. I also apologized for it.
We are working on getting back to little/no tv. It is a slower process this time, as this is one tired, pregnant momma. Even in the 2nd trimester and no longer sick, keeping moving take A LOT.
Today we spent half the day watching TV, but we also painted, played chef, read books and raced cars.
This weekend I am "competing" in Warrior Dash. At 17 weeks pregnant, I am really just going to say I went and not pushing it. But, I do intend to put my best effort in!
I feel I am failing a little at leading my online book club. We are reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. I am only half way, though it is an easy, and engaging read.
You know how well thought out, and hopeful that last post was? I just wanted everyone to know: it didn't happen. Nope. Not a bit. I was lucky to have a friend come lend a hand...well, actually she came and did it all really. Though, in a house full of people, that doesn't last long. I am trying every idea thrown at me to control the nausea, but I have mostly just resigned myself to this and hope it will end with my first trimester: 2 more weeks. I don't need any sympathy about it. Just to share that it didn't work out, I am moving on, looking forward, and know eventually it will all be better, and a sweet new babe to help me forget.
. I am only half way, though it is an easy, and engaging read.